Trouble: Part I

Our assistant teacher Ms. Pace was a bad bitch. She had short blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. Her ass was the first ass I had ever fallen in love with. She always wore tight pants and I would stare at her ass all day during class. I was in 5th grade. I was best friends with Chris, who lived right across the street from my house and Jon, who was a white kid that loved dirt bikes. Jon got a concussion that same year from doing a backflip off of the swings. It was Chris and I’s idea but when Jon got in trouble he didn’t snitch on us because we were down for each other. Sometimes we got in fights. Chris was the best at tetherball but lost to Jon one day. He was pissed. He threatened to shoot Jon with his M16 assault rifle which he had stashed under his bed. I had seen it before because he showed it to me that year. I always thought it was cool that Chris had a gun. That shit was hard. Chris got a referral because of it and was sent to the office. I waited for him after school because we walked home with each other every day. We stayed in front of the school to talk about shit and what went down. After the office staff left, Chris pissed on the door to the office. It was the funniest thing I had seen the whole year. After he pissed we started running away back to our house. I remember seeing his dick because he was still pulling his pants up as we were running away.

Later on that school year, Me, Chris, Jon, Ryan and Steven were sitting in class during silent reading and passing notes to each other. We were passing around drawings of dicks and tits. Steven was really good at drawing. He drew the best dicks and tits out of all of us. I don’t remember who wrote it but one of the notes read, “Would you fuck Ms. Pace?” We all looked at each other and nodded with smirks suggesting that the answer was obvious. Jon whispered, “Fuck yeah…”. Our teacher, Mr. Green, told us to be quiet so we did. Steven passed a note back that said, “I wanna pinch Ms. Pace’s tight ass.” We were all laughing hysterically. It was all funny at the time but looking back on it you might think that we were sick in the head. And we were. But not any more than any of the other kids.

It was time for lunch and we were still sitting at the table in class. All of our classmates had left the room. We waited ’til Mr. Green left. We told Steven to tell Ms. Pace that he wanted to squeeze her ass. He agreed to do it. Steven was crazy and didn’t give a shit so he was always elected to do the wildest shit. He got up from the table and told her. Ms. Pace looked confused. We were all looking over at her. Staring. Waiting for some sort of response. She started to cry. I kind of whimper. Almost like a little girl that got her toy taken away from her and was now crying alone in her room with nobody to hear. She leaped toward the phone on our teacher’s desk and called Mr. Green. We all knew we were in deep shit at this point. Mr. G came in and told all of us to stay where we were. Seated. Steven looked over at us and Mr. G led Steven out of the classroom. He came back in and called the office. He was naming us off, one by one. He got to Ryan’s name and could never pronounce his last name correctly. He said Ryan’s last name into the phone and we all started giggling because he said it wrong. Every time.

We got called to the office the next day. Aside from Steven. I guess he was called in separately because he was the offender in this case. Our principal asked us a bunch of questions but we all kept our mouths shut. Our principal was a 40-something year old lady. She looked similar to Roz from Monsters Inc. I never took her seriously as a principal because she was a woman. I wasn’t scared of her. As sexist as that sounds, that’s just how it was. I had my feet up on another chair and she told me to put them down. I gave a sort of sigh and rolled my eyes and brought my feet to the ground. I wanted to be a badass since this was my first time in the office. She didn’t call anyones parents except for Steven’s. But she gave us a little pep talk about respect which we all didn’t listen to.

We all saw each other the next day and had to apologize to Ms. Pace. We were Ms. Pace’s favorite kids in the class because we would always talk to her. She liked that. It was hard to do because things were made awkward because of the ass pinching incident but we gave a sincere apology. Ms. Pace accepted it and seemed to get over it almost immediately. Everyone was relieved. Me, Chris, Jon, Ryan and Steven all sat around Ms. Pace after school that day. We just talked and laughed. Everything was cool again. She shared a lot of her life with us. She told us about her moving situation, why she wanted to become a teacher and love life. She said she had a boyfriend that played college football. We all looked at each other. Jealous of the big-headed douchebag football jock that she was fucking. I imagined him being dumb with a buzz cut and drool spilling out of this mouth. I saw a picture of him later that year and that’s exactly what he looked like. She said he sometimes treated her like shit but she loved him anyway because there was something about him that she connects with on a different level. I guess people will love and care for others no matter how bad they may hurt them in some cases. I realized that that was the type of love and care Ms. Pace had for us. Even though we all wanted to gang bang her in 5th and pinch her tight little ass, she forgave us and still cared.

From that point on I learned to respect people a lot more. I also learned not to tell a girl you want to pinch her ass directly to her face.

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Chilling in front of a fire (5th grade)

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Messing around (5th grade)

I’m A Flirt

It was 2010 and our band was on tour. We had a van full of kids pulling a trailer with gear in it that was worth more money than we ever had in our pockets. We had already been signed to Hollywood Records and we were promoting our album “Suddenly” pretty heavily.

We played a show somewhere on a beach. The whole set up was kind of weird to me since I had never played on a beach before. Like we were on the sand and shit. There were a grip of girls there and the promoters had us stay in a hotel room as our green room. All of this was new to me at the time so I kept tripping out over all of the things that were provided for us. All the pineapple I could eat. It was time for us to play so they drove us in a totally unnecessary black SUV to the stage. There were some girls pounding on the windows as we drove up. I remember seeing shit like this in the Jonas Brothers movie so I felt like I was on top of the world. We get out of the car and girls were screaming. At this point in time I wasn’t totally over girls screaming in my face for no reason so I enjoyed it. We’re waiting on the side of the stage to play and they had announcers to give us an intro. It was one guy that looked like a bro and a cute girl with almost red hair. Nathan was like, “Ay that girl is pretty cute, right?” I was like, “Yeah she cute, she cute.” This girl looked much older than we did. I thought she was 30 or some shit. She was working for one of the companies that put the show together.

Earlier that day I had my eyes on another girl that was working the show. She was really cute and had really pretty eyes. She had brown hair and a really cute smile. I liked her a lot because she didn’t talk about herself over and over like some of the other girls were doing. For some reason we had a random pizza party after the show and we were all kicking it in this lady’s hotel room near the venue. The lady was super nice. I kept trading glances with this girl so I kind of picked up that she was feeling me too. I could tell when a girl stares back at you when she wants you to stop and thinks you’re a creep so I knew it wasn’t that.

The same promoters and company would be helping with another show we were playing in Philly. I knew the girls were gonna be there but I wasn’t stressing over it. We played the show and I was talking with the girl I liked backstage. She was wearing these white tennis shoes with really nerdy laces and I thought that was sort of cute. We were chilling in a green room that smelled like smoke. Weed smoke. OG Kush. The good kind. I guess Snoop Dogg had been there the night before. There was tobacco all over one of the tables. Probably from the gutted cigarettes from which they were making spliffs from. I remember being confused because I didn’t know why Snoop would ever want to smoke a spliff.

It was time for everyone to leave the green room. I head down the stairs. The stairs were old wooden stairs. They creaked every time you stepped on one of them. I saw Nathan talking to one of the girls downstairs. This particular girl that Nathan was talking to loved ‘Jersey Shore’ and looked like a less beat version of Snooki. I had all my shit packed up and ready to go so Nathan asked me if I wanted to cruise to less beat Snooki’s house with him. It was obvious to me that he needed a wingman and my nickname was Iceman at the time. Topgun. I said goodbye to the cute girl I met that Summer with the tennis shoes, geeky laces and perfect smile and headed for the door. I got her number before I left. When I got to the car, the almost red head that a gave us the intro on stage from our show on the beach was driving. It was a Honda, SUV type deal.

The almost red head and less beat Snooki were roommates and lived not too far from the venue. She drove there and the girls were listening to annoying music. They were singing at the top of their lungs and didn’t know where they were going. We finally got to their apartment. We parked on the street. The building looked really old. There was water dripping down from an A/C unit on the third floor right over the entrance to the building. I avoided getting wet. We walked in. We had to go through another set of doors which required some type of code to get in. I heard a buzz and the door opened. I had never seen one of those in real life before so I thought it was kind of cool. We went up a few flights of stairs and I was thinking about how annoying it would be to bring groceries and shit up the stairs all the time.

We enter their apartment and start to chill. They offer us a drink. I think it was similar to a Four Loko. The kind of drink that would get you fucked up but make you feel fucked up afterward. I wasn’t 21 yet but I was already drinking by this age and didn’t think anything of it. I took a few sips and it tasted like shit. I don’t normally like sweet drinks so this was a little much for me. The girls were drinking it too. They were playing music from their phone on an iPod dock. The apartment was cool. Small, but cool. Nathan and the less beat Snooki started to make out and I was just chilling with the other girl on the couch. It was awkward because I knew I wasn’t gonna get some. I never intended to anyway. The girl I was with seemed much older and mature. She was hot, though. I always thought I looked like I was 15 when I was 20 so I just sat there and didn’t expect for anything to happen. I bring up something about her cellphone being cool. Total made up bullshit that I was just saying to put words in the air. She starts fidgeting with the back of her shirt, saying that her bra was fucking with her breathing and she wanted to make it more loose. Her bra was tied in some weird way. She had it clamped but it was folded over too. Several times. No wonder it was constricting her breathing. This was like a straight jacket bra. She asked me to help her undo it so that it was just clamped and not folded over. I tried to undo it but I couldn’t. I must have looked like a weak bitch. She said it was all good, got up and went to the kitchen. She opened one of the drawers and pulled out scissors. She wanted me to cut her bra off. I was nervous and excited at this point. Whatever I wasn’t able to do to her bra, this pair of scissors could do easily. “I’m A Flirt” by R. Kelly was playing in my head. I wanted to beat box it so badly but I knew I would start to laugh and ruin the mood so I didn’t. I cut the back of her bra and she turned around and we started making out. I was freaking out because I had never hooked up on tour before. I felt like a rockstar. Like Snoop Dogg. We went to the bathroom and started hooking up in there. It was messy. I could hear the soap bottle drop to the floor because her ass was on the sink. I felt sloppy but dope at the same time. At this point, I was R. Kelly. I looked at myself in the mirror and my cellphone started to ring. It was our sound guy. I let it go to voicemail and told the girl we had to leave. I was super bummed but at the same time I wasn’t. Nathan and less beat Snooki were chilling in the living room, cheering as we came out of the bathroom.

We gave the girls hugs as we left. The girls were super cool. Very nice. Acted sort of dumb but I could tell they were smart. We went down the flights of stairs. My legs were weak. We gave each other daps and started to laugh. We hopped into the van and it was silent. I could tell everyone was pissed at us. We had been gone for at least 2 hours and didn’t tell anyone where we were. They started yelling at us and telling us how irresponsible we were. As everyone was yelling, we both sort of tuned them out and smiled at each other. We were cool.

I saw the girl with the nerdy laces at another show a few months after and she was pissed to find out that I hooked up with her friend instead. I never talked to her after that.

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Us in 2010

Early Crushes and Aliens

It was towards the end of 1st grade that I got my first kiss. That school year was pretty forgettable. I remember being picked up for a doctors appointment one day and I was stoked because I got to skip half of the school day. My dad picked me up and I was afraid that I was gonna have to get a shot so I was nervous. I didn’t end up getting a shot so it was all good. On the way back to school we went to the store and picked up these new Crayola crayons. There were cool new colors and the crayon boxes with the sharpener in the back had just came out so I was the first one to have it. I got back and I remember coloring with a new type of green crayon. It was super bright and from then on I kept using the bright color shades in the box. Later that year we were sitting down on the floor as my teacher was reading us a book. Ms. Natalie was fine as fuck. If I could get boners in 1st grade I would’ve had one for her. I had the biggest crush on her. She had a really slim, tan face with a few freckles and straight brown hair down to the middle of her back. I threw up on the carpet as she was reading the book to us. I thought all my classmates would laugh at me but none of them did so it was kind of awkward. It was quiet and Ms. Natalie just cleaned it up.

I was in the living room with my dad and my younger brother one day after school. It was raining and the sky was dark grey. There was a lot of thunder happening and I got really scared. My dad told me that the loud noise was aliens trying to break into our atmosphere. This was the moment that made me scared of aliens for the rest of my life. I had a dream later on that year where I was saving our school from an alien invasion with big ass guns and a fighter jet. That’s the earliest dream I remember. Besides one other dream where I think I was having intercourse with a stuffed animal horse that came to life.

It was the last day of 1st grade and I was really excited for Summer. The school day had ended and at the end of class, Ms. Natalie announced that she was gonna give kisses to everyone in the class on our way out. My best friend in that class was Sam, who also had a crush on her. Sam and I made sure to get to the back of the line so we could spend all the time we wanted with her. We waited ’til it was our turn and when we finally got up to the front, I was nervous as fuck. I tried to make Sam go first but he was bigger than me and pushed me in front. Ms. Natalie said something to me as I walked up but I couldn’t hear her over how loud the childhood lust in my head was. I stepped up to the plate and got to first base. I closed my eyes and felt her lips press against my cheek. She was wearing dark red lipstick that stuck to the side of my face. I almost wiped it off right away because it made my cheek itch but I stopped myself because I wanted her lips to be on my face forever. Sam got his kiss and we left the classroom. He told me that Ms. Natalie was getting married over the Summer and I was bummed. I check the yearbook the next year and her name was changed to Mrs. Hamburg. It reminded me of hamburgers and she never gave me a kid boner ever again.

I did, however, start crushing on a girl named Kirsten. She wore dresses and bows all the time. Kinda like a Powerpuff Girl. My dad and my older brother would make fun of me whenever the song, “I Love You Always Forever” by Donna Lewis came on the radio. This song would later make the cut on a cover EP that my band put out. They’d sing it to me in the car and I would get super pissed. I would cry but I liked the melody of the song so I never attached my anger with the song.

In 4th grade I liked a girl named Michelle. She wore glasses and liked the song, “All My Life” by K-Ci and JoJo. I memorized the lyrics to the best of my abilities and sang it to her one day on the track next to the white monkey bars on the 5th grade playground. She was watching me sing to her but she wasn’t really amused. She didn’t say anything and I really didn’t think much of it after that day.

In 5th grade I liked this girl, Diana. She was tall, smart and had braces. Some kids were starting to go through puberty at this point so the height differences of kids in my grade were all over the place. I wouldn’t start going through it until my third year in high school so I was still short. I was insecure about that. Diana’s mom worked at Sea World and would bring in penguins every year for us to play with during class. For some reason that made me fall in love with Diana. She told me she lived down the street from me and that turned me on. I was too nervous to ever go near her house, though. She lived about 20 houses down in a cul de sac. My cousin Tharin was staying at my house and at this age, we were heavy into talking about girls or at least what we thought we knew about girls. It was mostly made up stories about shit we did with girls. I remember listening to him and being like, this dude is lying. But so was I. I told him that I went to Diana’s house all the time. He suggested that we go down to her house later on that day. I couldn’t really back out ’cause I didn’t wanna look like a pussy. Tharin was built and seemed way cooler than me at the time so I wanted to look cool. We went down on our bikes. He borrowed my brother’s bike. We stopped in front of Diana’s house and I yelled, “Hey Diana!” She came to her window at the front of the house on the second story and started to open her window. I immediately starting pedaling back to my house with my cousin following in close behind me. That was the fastest I had pedaled in my life at that time. We got to my driveway and I felt embarrassed because I just rode away without even talking to her. It was silent for awhile as we were trying to catch our breath. Tharin looked over at me, paused and said, “Dude…that was awesome!!!”

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Me on my 10th birthday with my Dragonball Z cake

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Tharin, me and his sister, Paulina

1989

I was born on August 4th, 1989 at some hospital in San Diego. The house I grew up in was in a super suburban area, just outside of San Diego called Park Village. When my family first moved there, all of the houses were brand new and a new elementary school was built there too. The neighborhood I lived on was full of cookie cutter houses. Not the cool cookie cutters, though. Like the ones that were shaped like rocket ships and stars and dinosaurs and shit. If my house were to be a cookie cutter, it would just be a circle. I shared a room with my little brother and I thought the house was pretty big so I was happy. We had the same beds. They were red (My least favorite color) metal framed beds. I had a grip of teddy bears and shit. A Donald Duck poster and a Kermit the frog telephone. Those were my possessions at the time.

I don’t remember how I felt on my first day of Kindergarten but I have a feeling I wasn’t too stoked. I cried until my mom left the classroom after she had dropped me off. When I saw her walk out of the door I was just kind of confused and didn’t know what to do so I stopped crying. My teacher, Mrs. Fredrick, would pick a different student to take the attendance folder up to the office every morning. You could pick a partner to go and walk it up there with you. My first crush was a girl named Lauren in my class. I picked her to come with me every time but we didn’t really talk. I just thought she was hot. I was best friends with a kid named Bryce. He was white and his face was covered in freckles. He moved away in the middle of the school year and I was kind of relieved since he was starting to get on my nerves. I made a new friend named Tommy who moved there shortly after. I kind of made him my slave. Like I made him clean up my dinosaurs after play time and shit. It was kind of messed up.

I was really quiet in my first years of school. I didn’t talk much and I was really shy. My human interaction was at a minimum. My mind, however, would always be working so intensely. I always had crazy thoughts and would make jokes about everything in my head but I never wanted to share them. I was 5 and by this age I had already figured out the basic workings of people. I was smart and I knew I was so I kept it to myself. And not even brain smart or street smart. Just smart in my own lane. I knew what I was doing and soon realized that most of the kids in my grade were fucking stupid.

The house I lived in right when I was born was in a place called Chula Vista. It was a few exits away from the border to Tijuana, Mexico so some people would always say I was born in “The ghetto” of San Diego. I don’t remember much about it so it didn’t really matter to me. My older brother, who was 5 at the time, had some friends from his school that got kidnapped and murdered so I guess that was ghetto. It was a one story house with dead grass in the front. I saw a picture when I was older of a mural of Prince that my dad had painted on the inside of the garage door. My dad would listen to Prince all the time when I was a baby. He would pop in live Prince VHSs and I would pretend I was Prince in front of our TV. It was a Sony. I guess those were the first times I would be able to entertain people and I liked it.

I was always into art when I was younger. Drawing random shit. I was a perfectionist too. I would spend hours drawing my favorite animals. I also liked poetry because I could make up random shit and random stories. One of my poems was published in a kids collection of poems once. I don’t remember the name of the book but I wish I did. It was a poem about lightning.

My favorite thing to do was make people laugh. I didn’t sit down and say to myself, “I like to make people laugh.” but I always enjoyed it without ever knowing I did. I would tell all my friends about the shit that I thought was funny and they would always laugh. Every time. At this point I was in third grade and I was hanging out with my friends Tyler and Jeffrey a lot. They were white. Most of my friends were white but we listened to rap and would cuss a lot. We would always bully this kid, Shawn, who later worked at Circuit City with me in my teenage years. We would make him cry a lot and then became friends with him because his mom was a yard duty (Lady who watches over the playground). We ran shit at that school. We had all the good cherry balls and first pick on courts. Soccer was big. I was good at soccer. Sucked at tetherball. Loved handball.

Our mascot was a penguin but our principal would dress up as a superhero every Friday and stop by each classroom to say hi to the kids and be creepy. I always thought it was kind of weird that he was dressed up as a superhero. I wanted to see him dressed up as a penguin so I could make fun of him in front of my friends. I had already thought of jokes I would make if it did happen but it never did.

In third grade I met one of my best friends, Ryan, who is Filipino like me. He had just moved to Park Village from somewhere in Oregon. He came to school with a tall t and some fresh kicks. My friends and I were heavy into basketball at the time so we asked if he wanted to play. Jeffrey made championship medals out of string and paper that would end up in the hands of the winner of the basketball tournament. We were unfair as fuck and made it 5 against 1. So, me and my friends vs. Ryan. He balled us up. We didn’t even score a single shot. I had never made a basket. I was too short and not strong enough but my friends never noticed so I would always just dribble the ball around and pretend to have cool moves.

I was also in choir in 3rd grade. I signed up for it on my own. I don’t really know why I signed up for it. I was picked to do a solo part for the song, “Under The Sea” from The Little Mermaid. All of the songs we sang that year were songs from Disney movies. I remember being mad because The Little Mermaid was a girl movie and I wanted to sing something cool but I went with it anyway. There were t-shirts made for the night of the show and they were purple so I didn’t end up joining choir ever again after I sang “Under The Sea” in a purple shirt.

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Me in Kindergarten

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Me and Bryce

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Me and Tommy (He picked those dinosaurs up)

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Me and Lauren making an igloo together

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Our Principal, dressed as a superhero

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